MUSINGS: April 2008 Archives

Who was the bright light that thought of putting ‘ice’ in the men’s urinal?

What, was some waiter scooping cubes into somebody’s glass then thought to himself, “Hey, wait! People could melt these with their pee!”

And guys, you know you can’t just do your business and leave. Oh no. You gotta make a game out of it. You start thinking to yourself, “Hmm… How many cubes can I melt before my pee runs out?”

And now, you’ve become this super hero, “I am Toxic Pee Man!” It’s like playin’ a game of ‘Break The Ice’, only with your wang. “If I can just blast through these last two, the whole thing will come crashing down.”

Anyway. I don’t know and I don’t care. The guy was a genius. And I’m hoping that he was at least promoted to Assistant Manager.

Why is it that every time I go shopping I have to belong to a club?

“Are you a Club Member?”

“It’s toothpaste.”

“Yes. Are you a member?”

Why the hell can’t I just go into a market and buy block of cheese without having to tell the clerk where I live? I don’t get it. I mean, is this actually supposed to make me feel ‘special’ somehow? That I’m now part of an elite group of shoppers? Will it be included in my eulogy?

“A member of both Safeway and Savon Drug Marts, Colin took great pride in purchasing deodorants and laundry detergent…”

That, and I hate being put on the spot. Shopping is kind of a personal thing to begin with, you know? You’re standing there with all this stuff out on display. You just want to get out of there, when… bang.

“Member?”

Well. Ahh. Don’t really know what to say.

I actually find myself embarrassed for some strange, ridiculous reason. So, I look away for a second. Only to find that the whole damn line is now staring at me. And I can just see it in their faces.

“IS he a member?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve never seen him in here before.”

“Condoms and Dog Food… Hmm.”

So. Here it is, for the record.

I don’t want your Petro Points, your Air Miles, your punch card, the free donut or the hat with your stupid filling station logo on it. I don’t want to belong to your stupid Club and have one of your stupid Club ‘cards’ that identifies me as being one of your stupid Club Members.

I’ve got my own Club. It’s colors are red, white and blue and I flash my membership in 5’s, 10’s, and 20’s.