MUSEUM OF LACTOSE INTOLERANCE

Who stole the cheese?

That’s what everybody who went to the INSIGHT party last Saturday night wants to know. We all know it happened, but nobody is saying a word.

Let me back track a bit.

It’s Saturday night. A parade of limousines, paparazzi and tinsel swirl about the entrance to the hottest ticket in town, the INSIGHT FILM PARTY. A star studded affair complete with velvet roped elegance, silicone draped in Betsy Johnson and of course a nice red carpet to keep the toes warm. It was one hell of a night complete with Vancouver’s most familiar faces.

Your host, Kirk Shaw (prolific producer and business man) put on one hell of a party to which much was graciously provided. Free food, drinks and laughter (we brought the laughter). Couldn’t possibly ask for anything more.

Well, perhaps one more thing.

You see. Somebody at the party wasn’t quite as content as the rest of us and what went down upon their exit has since been inscribed into the annals of film festival infamy.

A guy was arrested for stealing a giant wheel of cheese.

Not just arrested, but hand cuffed, face down on the red carpet and while still dressed to the nines, whisked away to some downtown east side jail cell.

Now that’s what I call a party!

Seriously, this idiot grabbed hold of a giant wheel of blue cheese (retail value around one to three hundred dollars) and tried to make his way to mickey mouse heaven. Well, they busted him right there on the red carpet. On one side of his dinner jacket, a twenty pound orb of aged blue. And on the other side, one purloined silver plated cheese knife to make merry with.

Right now, word is that it was an ‘actor’ from the television show Robson Arms, but that has since come under question. The alternate story being that it was not an actor, but a well known ‘journalist’ or personality.

What is strange is that NOBODY seems to know his name? Everyone knows his face. And everyone says it was somebody very well known. But, nobody’s talking.

Hmmm.

CHEESE-GATE.

So, if any of you out there have heard anything. Let the rumor mill begin. Was it dark and dangerous John Cassini? Wouldn’t put it past you Johnny. You’ve always seemed a bit ‘shifty’ to me. Or, perhaps it was Peter DeLuise? After a year of working out and healthy living, he just ‘snapped’. Could be either one. Gotta wonder about them ‘I-ties’.

My Grandfather always used to say, “Never trust an Italian with your girlfriend… Or your cheese.”

Then again, it could have been me. And this blog is just a ruse to throw you off my tail. Either way. Let me know if you hear anything. Deep Throat, Cancer Man, whatever you want to call yourself. I want the truth. The truth is out there. And I won’t rest until I find out who it was.

I figure we could maybe help bail the guy out.

Or at the very least sneak in a box of Water Biscuits and a brick of Wisconsin Gold.